i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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