Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
