Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
