i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
