hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
