I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
