i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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