Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
