Already got asked if we're dating
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
