Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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