Small penises have feelings too.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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