I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm passing your future prison.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize
