i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
