I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
