1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
