I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
