she kept yelling 'call me bella'
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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