Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
