What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
