i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
