I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
