You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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