By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
