What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
