my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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