please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
