Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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