Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
