She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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