Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
