I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
