i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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