The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
