Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
