Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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