So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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