I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
