My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
