i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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