Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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