I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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