I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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