If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
