I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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