So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
