I'm really into asian looking animals
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
