"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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