Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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