Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
