I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I forget how to act sober
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
