It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
