I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
