you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
