It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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