we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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