I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
